What if this feels so familiar its like home? What if this is just how it will always be? I spend so much time suppressing this all and its fighting to get out and slips out ever so violently for me but silently for everyone else.
Sunday, April 28, 2013
What if
What if you feel so sad you can't even bear it and literally can't put into words what is causing it? What if the act of feeling is so exhausting that you want to turn it off? But you've been there before. You have felt numb before and know you were cold, shut off, and literally ready to give it all up. But what if the other side is tearing your insides up in a way that translates to inexplicable tears rolling down your face on the Q train, a sharp pain on your left side that won't go away and a dip in and out of hopelessness?
Thursday, April 25, 2013
A Personal Boston Reflection
What does my humanity feel like? It means that I connect with people around me, often nonverbal (my preferred way of communication). Some people read me as cold or distant but that’s not who I am.
What does it mean to connect nonverbally? It is that passing glance, a focus stare, a reading of energy, or just a really good hug. I feel deeply as much as I may fight against it.
When I’m am not physically near people that communication is a lot more difficult because the nonverbal is no longer visceral, it’s something translated through a screen. When I heard of what happened in Boston I was at work and found out through text message. I was surprised and instantly read the news on my computer to find out what we didn’t know at the time. It took a long time to hit me. It wasn’t until days later when I was engulfed in what was happening that I started making connections. Both of my best friends were in Boston for college a few years ago but I hadn’t hit them up. My line sister is now in Boston, but I hadn’t hit her up. Boston is home to one of my first truly spiritual connections with God, but I didn’t hit him up. I was caught up in the news and whatever else I had happening that day to really connect and cry not for pain all around. Fear, despair, anger, and confusion were in the air and I couldn’t feel it or better yet wouldn’t feel it.
I’m surprised by emotions, gut instinct, and how people respond to one another and the Boston bombing had a chilling effect some, some were beaten for no reason, some were plastered on newspapers as suspects when they weren’t, some completely disengaged and called themselves apathetic. All of these things are very difficult to put words to as they are happening.
How do these indescribable responses get taken into consideration when we make policies or laws that effect people? This discussion surprisingly led to an immigration conversation across different parts of the country. 9/11 patriot act took certain liberties away from us in the name of safety. Melissa Harris Perry had a Sunday devoted to discussing “What does this mean?” after we finally understood more of what was happening in Boston.
We respond to tragedy by trying to tie it to a law or policy in order to prevent that tragedy from happening again – wars, riots, bombings, shootings etc. But do we respond to the emotion in a way that isn’t so conventional? Do we take the time to feel what is going on? Do you have the capacity to do so?
What does it mean to connect nonverbally? It is that passing glance, a focus stare, a reading of energy, or just a really good hug. I feel deeply as much as I may fight against it.
When I’m am not physically near people that communication is a lot more difficult because the nonverbal is no longer visceral, it’s something translated through a screen. When I heard of what happened in Boston I was at work and found out through text message. I was surprised and instantly read the news on my computer to find out what we didn’t know at the time. It took a long time to hit me. It wasn’t until days later when I was engulfed in what was happening that I started making connections. Both of my best friends were in Boston for college a few years ago but I hadn’t hit them up. My line sister is now in Boston, but I hadn’t hit her up. Boston is home to one of my first truly spiritual connections with God, but I didn’t hit him up. I was caught up in the news and whatever else I had happening that day to really connect and cry not for pain all around. Fear, despair, anger, and confusion were in the air and I couldn’t feel it or better yet wouldn’t feel it.
I’m surprised by emotions, gut instinct, and how people respond to one another and the Boston bombing had a chilling effect some, some were beaten for no reason, some were plastered on newspapers as suspects when they weren’t, some completely disengaged and called themselves apathetic. All of these things are very difficult to put words to as they are happening.
How do these indescribable responses get taken into consideration when we make policies or laws that effect people? This discussion surprisingly led to an immigration conversation across different parts of the country. 9/11 patriot act took certain liberties away from us in the name of safety. Melissa Harris Perry had a Sunday devoted to discussing “What does this mean?” after we finally understood more of what was happening in Boston.
We respond to tragedy by trying to tie it to a law or policy in order to prevent that tragedy from happening again – wars, riots, bombings, shootings etc. But do we respond to the emotion in a way that isn’t so conventional? Do we take the time to feel what is going on? Do you have the capacity to do so?
Wednesday, April 3, 2013
Love
Once the realization is accepted that even between the closest human beings infinite distances continue, a wonderful living side by side can grow, if they succeed in loving the distance between them which makes it possible for each to see the other whole against the sky. Rainer Maria Rilke
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